Pride and Prejudice in PJ's
In my family growing up, there was an invisible line between the boys and girls that was felt. Eventually, divorce made that line visible. So my inner sense of unity has always leaned toward the females in my family until I married someone who bridged that gap. I believe it was God’s wisdom that I had three sons first to learn the role of motherhood. I’ll be honest, when I found out my first child was to be a son, I freaked out a bit. I worried I wouldn’t know how to connect and be close and intimate. Not that it’s been easy getting here, but as my oldest is hitting his 21st, I can honestly say I really enjoy being with my three men! God has taught me so much about who He is and who I am to Him through being a mother to these amazing boys! I've had to let go and let God, which is actually very freeing once I learned how to embrace it!
Even still, being the only female in our immediate family, I have had a lot of times of feeling isolated and alone. Don't misunderstand... I don't blame them! They are just guys doing guy things and have each other to do them with. Sometimes they will hike with me or watch a cheesy movie, but not because they love to, only because they love me, which I am so grateful for! But I have missed the connection that happens between a mother and her daughters when deciding on an outfit, borrowing each others things, and getting each other's feedback on our latest hairstyles. It's these little things that I had with my mom and sister in my youth that I have missed.
As I got older, I accepted our family of five and stopped thinking I’d ever have even one daughter. But in just 4 months time of having these two young ladies in my life, that void I had felt for so long and tried to be ok with, is now being filled! Even though their English is still broken, their personalities are starting to show. They know enough English to share stories from their past, share in laughter and fun, and how they are feeling. They love cooking in the kitchen with me, hiking with me, and watching cheesy movies! All the things I did alone for so many years! Having these two brings the same dynamics of bantering and bonding that I grew up with, and I feel incredibly blessed! And even though I missed the first 12 and 11 years of their lives, I don’t feel cheated. Discovering their past only makes me love them more!
God created us to need connection. We connect with different people, in different ways, all of which fills a different void within us. Sometimes we don't even know we are missing a connection until we suddenly have it! What's amazing about our God is that He alone is able to fill each and every possible relational need we have! The ones we long for and the ones we don't realize we need. And often, He will use people to do His work of touching our innermost hearts! As I said yes to adopting, it was in response to a deep call I felt within. I had no idea who was on the other end of that calling, but God did! We can trust our heavenly Father to know what or who we need, and who needs us, more than we think we know ourselves. So if you feel a deep calling within that sounds scary and overwhelming, just remember that the one making the call knows you the best!
Proverbs 3:5 TPT
"Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. With all your heart rely on him to guide you, and he will lead you in every decision you make. Become intimate with him in whatever you do, and he will lead you wherever you go."
God, you are so so good!!! You brought us together and prepared all our hearts for each other like only you could. I’m incredibly grateful! Even bonding my sons with my daughters like it was nothing! Only you, Lord!!! Thank you for my family of seven!!! My heart is full!